Equal Parts Terrified and Stoked

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I’m sitting in a coffee shop, drinking espresso and watching the snow storm roll in. So naturally I have a lot of deep things to say. 

I’m starting a new journey. A journey that I started a long time ago and then put on the back burner. A musical journey, if you will. 

Music has been a part of my life since I was in junior high. At age 13, I walked in to the youth building for the first time. If my memory serves me right, I was wearing a blue and green tie-dyed tank top, hoping that I looked super cool and then being completely mortified when I found out my bra strap was showing. Great. Way to make that first impression. Now everyone thinks I’m a slut. How could this have happened?? In reality, I’m pretty sure no one actually paid any attention to the small, scrawny wallflower that I was. Anyways, the point of that little story is this: that day I saw the praise band play for the first time and I knew that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be them.

So that Christmas I got my first guitar and began to teach myself the ropes. When I could hold my own I auditioned and made it into the band. Eventually, I was leading it. Then in college I was accepted into a singing group and by junior year found myself leading that as well. I was feeling pretty good about myself. And then it hit me. Music, singing, playing, and songwriting were all things the Lord had instilled in me and I was now using them as a check on my spiritual list of accomplishments. Forgoing time with the Lord, studying his word, growing in him and justifying it on my church attendance and all the things I led. “For him” of course… 

Once the fact hit me, it terrified me. How could my heart be so off? How could I have gotten to this point? Rather than using this as a springboard into a renewed heart, I ran from music as fast as I could. That summer, I moved to Spain and had gotten my wish. There was no music for me there. I didn’t get to sing. Hardly ever. And it started to wear on me. I finally found solace in hiking to the top of a cliff right over the Mediterranean with my ipod and singing at the top of my lungs. Not to impress. Not to find some kind of self-fulfillment. But to the Lord. I was finally stripped from everything else that distracted my true purpose and was able to use these gifts and passions for the one who instilled them in the first place. 

In my move to Colorado, I had a new purpose. Despite whatever else happened. I wanted to pursue music. I was able to serve in my church as a worship leader and started teaching guitar to children in the valley. However, the schedule was more demanding than I could have imagined. Since music wasn’t my full time job, I could only pour so much into it. 

This leads us to now. The time of life I find myself in is quite unique. I am on the cusp of transition, with nothing to hold me back. Nothing is changing yet and won’t for awhile. But it’s on the horizon. So I’ve made a decision.

It’s now or never.

I’m going to try. To try and pursue music with everything I have. To put myself out there. To risk it.

The first step I’ve taken is entering into a songwriting competition this coming June. Working on songs and getting back into the swing of things has been exhilarating. Not because I’m finding fulfillment for myself, though you always do when doing something you love. But because, over these past few years, the Lord has begun the painstaking work of renewing my heart. Re-gearing it with a heaven-set perspective. 

There’s no telling where this leap will take me. I will either fail miserably, or succeed, or just get by. I have no idea. I don’t have a plan for after the competition. I am equal parts terrified and stoked out of my mind. 

I’ve often invited my readers (all two of you) to join me in a journey. My move to Spain, my move to Colorado, my snowboarding adventures and snowboarding mishaps. So per use, I’d like to extend the invitation once again. Keep on reading. I’ll write about updates and adventures and failures and of course about Oliver, my partner in crime. Praise the Lord for all he has done and all he is preparing to do. Get excited! It’s going to be fun.

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